It’s fall, and fall brings with it parent-teacher conferences. Recently it reported that the First Couple attended a parent-teacher conference. Here’s how the conference played out:
With three uniformed Secret Service agents cramping their knees under wooden desks (and secretly wishing they had juice boxes), the President of the United States, unfortunately wearing ‘mom jeans‘, and the First Lady, looking effortlessly resplendent in off-the-rack J. Crew, sit opposite Mrs. Blankenship, their youngest daughter’s grade school teacher.
MRS. BLANKENSHIP. Now, as you know, your daughter’s had some problems… she may have taken on a bit too much. Multiplication tables and primary color drawing may have overwhelmed her agenda.
BARACK. Well, I think she had to do it all at once– it was right for her, and it was right for the classroom.
MICHELLE. Honey, let’s just listen to what the teacher has to say, okay?
MRS. BLANKENSHIP. Right, well, it just feels like she’s somehow lost control of her own agenda. I mean, now she’s talking about putting social studies back on the school desk!
BARACK. Isn’t that were social studies belongs? She didn’t enroll in grade school to duck the hard issues and pretend it’s preschool, right?
MICHELLE. My husband and I are very proud of him– I mean, her, her.
BARACK. I’d rather she be a good grade school student that also finish junior high with a mediocre record.
MRS. BLANKENSHIP. Um, I don’t really think that’s the way it works…
BARACK. Besides, let’s look at what she’s done with her multiplication tables and primary color drawings. Maybe she’s not getting the recognition she deserves!
MRS. BLANKENSHIP. A lot of teachers to the left of this classroom feel she didn’t advance enough with her subtraction, while the teachers down the hall to the right think she has too many bold, even radical colors in her drawing.
BARACK. Radical colors?!
MICHELLE. I think what my husband is trying to say is that if she’s going to attempt to bring about a diverse and changing color palette to her drawings, you’re not going to be able to make everyone happy.
At this point the President of the United States stands up:
BARACK. Fired up! Ready to go!
MRS. BLANKENSHIP. Where are we going? We haven’t even discussed what she said to the school nurse yesterday about death panels.
BARACK. We’re going to first grade, with or without you!
And then Mrs. Blakenship drops dead– a fitting way to end any scene.