Sarah Palin’s Thanksgiving: A Real American Play

This week Americans (well, real Americans) will gather to drink port, listen to classical music and debate health care (okay, maybe more like beer, turkey and football).  Former Alaska Governor You-Know-Who will be amongst them, and so, this short play:

"Now, this is a rogue turkey, right?" "Uh, I don't know what the means."

Sarah Palin’s Thanksgiving: A Real American Play

“I think he [Levi Johnston] needs to know that he is loved…  There’s an open invitation to come to Aunt Katie’s house in Washington for [Thanksgiving] dinner.”

– Sarah Palin, on ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

A leafy, tree-lined, beautiful real-America fall morning.  In fact, it’s Thursday, November 26, 2009, at Katie Johnson’s home in Richland, Washington.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Sarah Palin, alluring in flannel pajamas with a moose pattern, watches the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC.

SARAH.  Oh, the Bullwinkle balloon…  now there’s a mother humpin’ moose I’d love to shoot!  Oh, the wind’s blowin’…  they’re losin’ ‘im!  He’s going rogue!

Sarah breaks the fourth wall.

SARAH.  Available now on Amazon.com.

RING.  It’s the front doorbell.

SARAH.  Todd, door!

No one answers.  Doorbell rings again.

SARAH (yells).  Todd, someone’s at the door and I’m watchin’ that hunk’a Matt Lauer on the TV!

Doorbell rings again.

SARAH.  Damn it, he’s probably upstairs smoothin’ down that lil’ kid’s cowlick.

Sarah walks to the door.

INT. FOYER

And opens it to find Levi Johnston.  He’s dressed in a hunting jacket and holds a shotgun.

SARAH.  Oh, well, don’t’cha know…  hello, Levi.

LEVI.  Uh, hey, Governor, uh, I mean, former-Governor…  anyway, I saw you on the ‘Oprah’ show, and, well…

SARAH (icy).  Yup, you’re welcome here.

LEVI.  One of the ladies at Playgirl said I had to bring somethin’, so…

Levi produces a freshly shot turkey.  There’s blood everywhere.

SARAH.  Thank you.  C’mon in.

Levi and Sarah stand in the foyer, awkwardly.

SARAH.  So, you been pallin’ around with porn-stars now, have you?  That’s darn right like the lower 48.  Almost un-American, if ya ask me.

LEVI (mumbles).  Yes, ma’am.

SARAH.  Well, let’s go see what Bristol’s up to.

SARAH and LEVI.  I sure hope she ain’t knocked up again.

Sarah and Levi look at each other: Huh.

INT. DINING ROOM

Crowded around an ornate table are Sarah, Track, Willow, Levi, Sarah’s mother’s sister Katie, and various assorted Palins.  Also there are Bristol, who holds Tripp, and Piper, who holds Trigg.  They all dress like they’re prospecting for gold later, except Sarah, who’s in couture.  At the head of the table stands Todd.  He’s in a snowmobile suit and presents the cooked turkey.

TODD.  And I sure know Aunt Katie would like me to thank Levi for shootin’ this here fine bird.  I would’a killed one myself, but I’m in serious training for the 2012 Alaskan Iditarod.  I figure one of us has to win a race that year!

No one but Todd chuckles at his joke.

SARAH.  Ah, shut up, Todd.

Sarah stands.

SARAH.  I know I’m the reason you’re all here, so thanks for comin’.  We’re gonna eat some turkey and talk hockey and try not to get on each other’s nerves for a while.  Anyone mentions the name ‘Katie Couric,’ I’ll resign and go rogue on ‘em.

TODD.  Please stop saying you’ll go rogue on—

SARAH.  I’ll go rogue on you right now, Todd, I don’t care.  I’ll go rogue on Ricky Hollywood over there.  I’ll even go rogue on this turkey!

Sarah attacks the turkey and starts wrestling it.  Then:

SARAH.  Uh, so enjoy, everybody, and, uh, I guess…  welcome to Levi Johnston, the father of our grandson…  uh…  uh…

From out of the shadows one of Sarah’s handlers approaches her and whispers into her ear.

SARAH.  Tripp?  Tripp?  How do I know which one is Tripp and which one is Trigg and which one is Track?  Ah, never mind.  It takes courage to be a man and show up today.

TODD.  It takes courage to mush doggies in the icy cold of—

SARAH.  Shut up, Todd.  Let’s eat.

INT. DINING ROOM

Dirty dishes, empty wine glasses litter the table.

TODD.  –so I’m most thankful that God’s an Alaskan, ‘cause he made goatees and the movie “Eight Below” and my wife’s still got her perfect Alaskan ass—

SARAH.  Yeah, you bet’cha, Todd!  Woo!  Okay, that’s enough out of you.

Sarah stands and drains her glass of bourbon.

SARAH.  This year I’m still thankful to the old codger, Johnny Maverick, for getting me out of that snowstorm shithole Alaska.  I’m not a damn Eskimo, I’m American royalty.  I’m thankful to old man McCain too for tanking the election.  Ugh, I wouldn’t want to govern with him.  Bo-ring.  I’m thankful to Oprah for making me realize that not all black people have middle names like ‘Hussein’ and don’t all need to prove how smart  they are all the time.  Okay, we get it, you’re worried about the Middle Earth!  Here’s a Peace Prize!

Sarah grabs the bourbon bottle and refills.

SARAH.  I’m thankful to Newsweek for putting me on their cover.  (to Levi)  Newsweek, kid.  That’s like middle-aged porn.  And I look good on that cover!  Woo!  I’m grateful to Hillary Clinton, because no matter what dumb stuff I say people still don’t want to shack up with her.  And I’m even thankful to that perky bitch Katie Couric!  Yeah, Katie, I’m sorry you left that gorgeous Matt Lauer and that I don’t read any newspapers.  Who the hell reads newspapers?  Ugh, I’m a real American.  I read magazine, status updates.  Twitters.

Sarah drains her second glass.

SARAH.  And I’m even thankful to you, Levi.  That’s right, to Levi Johnston.  For not making us raise one of those adopted Asian babies that Angelina Jolie and those Godless liberals get from Sam’s Club.  For letting us have a real Alaskan man as a grandson!

Levi stands.

LEVI.  Uh, I’m just thankful for you all taking me back into the family…  I know I’ve screwed up in the past…  I mean, I did look really, really hot in Playgirl, but…  I guess I was a little skeeved out when Johnny Methuselah kept touching my arm, I mean, what’s that dude’s problem?  And I know I messed up when I porked Meghan McCain, but she’s got some serious boobage.  I want to thank Sarah for keeping that out of the ‘mainstream media’, whatever that means.

Sarah winks at Levi.

LEVI.  But I’m gonna do this right this time.  I got some money from the photo shoot and a good job down at the Wasilla Gas-’N-Sip.

Levi takes out a ring and gets down on one knee.

LEVI.  Bristol Palin, will you marry me and raise our lil’…  shoot, which one is it?

Sarah’s handler approaches Levi.

LEVI.  Right, lil’ Tripp with me?

Bristol sobs tears of joy.

SARAH.  You bet’cha she will!

LEVI.  It’s really all about, like, family.

SARAH.  Now who wants real American apple pie?

INT. DINING ROOM

Todd dozes in his chair with Trigg on his lap.  A few of the older Palins also sleep, while Willow helps Piper color at the table.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Most of the lights are off.  Sarah and Levi are on the couch…  making out.

SARAH.  You’re the hottest person in this family.

LEVI.  No, you’re the hottest person in this family.

SARAH.  You’re right, I am the hottest person in this family.

They continue making out.

Bristol walks in.  Off her shocked look:

SARAH.  What?  I just wanted him to know he’s loved.

THE END

"Now, you're not the media elite, right?"

 

 

 

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2 Responses to “Sarah Palin’s Thanksgiving: A Real American Play”

  1. Paula Says:

    This turkey has legs. Can’t wait for a reprise with a Palin Christmas. (and lets sure hope the ex-governoratrix doesn’t have your blog tapped, or they’ll be hunting us from planes. )

  2. thiswaytotheegress Says:

    Love that idea! Happy Turkey Day.

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