A Tiger Woods Thanksgiving

From the producers of the perennial classic Sarah Palin’s Thanksgiving: A Real American Play and Nike (trying out our new tagline, “Go on, be a Tigger– they’re lovable!”) comes a brand-new, heartwarming holiday tale for the whole family:


"Honey, did you put the turkey on?" "Um... sure. Yup."

EXT.  ILSEWORTH, FLORIDA – approximately 2:00 AM

It’s the middle of the night in this tone Florida suburb.  Thanksgiving night, in fact.  The only man stirring is the NIGHTWATCHMAN.  He walks past the most expensive pre-fab McMansion on the block.

NIGHTWATCHMAN.  Oh, to be the number one golfer in the world, worth billions of dollars, married to a Swedish model…

The Nightwatchman gazes up at the house.

NIGHTWATCHMAN.  They must have a lot to be thankful for…



In a state-of-the-art kitchen TIGER WOODS and his wife, ELIN NORDEGREN, are having an argument.

TIGER.  You bitch!  You’ve ruined my life!

ELIN.  I’ve ruined your life?  Your life?  That’s rich.  You think I like watching golf?  Bo-ring, buddy.

Elin affects a whispered golf-announcer voice.

"Go on, be a me."

ELIN.  He’s on the fifteenth hole.  He’s teeing up.  He’s—  who gives a shit?  Just hit the ball already!  And those moronic, argyle old man clothes…  damn it, why couldn’t you be a basketball player?  Nike would’ve let you get a tattoo!  Tattoos are hot!

TIGER.  My golf pays for everything!  You were an au pair when I found you.  An au pair.  That’s French for young trash.  Now look at you, you’re standing in a gorgeous kitchen you don’t even know how to use!  You’re catering Thanksgiving dinner?  Who does that?

ELIN.  Hot blondes from Stockholm, that’s who.  I don’t need your fictional, bullshit American holiday…  Ooo, let’s eat too much and watch stupid balloons on the TV…

TIGER.  We have a mixed-race President!  I will not have you demean my country!

Elin breaks down in tears.  She produces a copy of The National Enquirer.

ELIN.  Who is she, another ho for you flex?

TIGER.  Oh, please, now you’ve gone ghetto…  besides, I bought you that Kobe-ring.

Elin flashes her hand; it’s got a rock on it.

ELIN.  You bought me this ring because you date-raped her?

TIGER.  Damn it, Elin, her name is Rachel Uchitel.  I love her.  She’s a real American.  Her fiancée died in 9/11!

ELIN.  You’re sick.  I’m gonna tell the world you can’t wait for Jack Nicklaus to die!

TIGER.  I’ll go O.J. on your ass.

ELIN.  Please, I’m no Nicole.

Elin grabs a golf club from the corner and chases Tiger out of the kitchen.

ELIN.  I wish you were Payne Stewart!

TIGER.  I wish you were Heidi Klum!


THWACK!  Elin hits Tiger with the golf club repeatedly.

ELIN.  And I wish you were Phil Mickelson!

TIGER.  Oh, you’ve gone too far!

Tiger struggles to defend himself, but can’t.  Elin strikes him repeatedly.

TIGER.  Not the Cobra driver, not the Cobra driver!

Tiger scrambles to his feet.

TIGER.  You whore!  You’ve ruined our Thanksgiving, are you happy now!

Tiger dashes into his 2009 Cadillac SUV, drives less than 100 feet, and hits a fire hydrant.  The fire hydrant morphs into a Rankin-Bass style animated character, HYDRY.

HYDRY.  Hi kids, I’m Hydry, the new spirit of Thanksgiving.  Sometimes we fight with the people we love, sometimes that’s what the holidays are all about…

In the background Elin stands next to the smashed car, holding a golf club.  She looks in at a semi-conscious, hapless Tiger.

ELIN.  Shit, I do love him.

HYDRY.  But the holidays are also about making the right choice.

Elin smashes the back window and drags Tiger out of the car.  She regards her philandering husband:

ELIN.  Fore!

Elin continues to beat the crap out of Tiger.

HYDRY.  And sometimes they’re not.  So, what are you thankful for this holiday season?

As the cops’ sirens wail and Elin swings away, the Nightwatchman returns and approaches Hydry.

NIGHTWATCHMAN.  I think I’m going to take up chess.

HYDRY.  Good call.  I’m going to got to the hospital.

"Um, I don't feel well."



2 Responses to “A Tiger Woods Thanksgiving”

  1. The Story That Will Just. Never. Die. « Wally's Blog Says:

    […] We here at This Way to the Egress have touched on l’affaire de Tiger before (and before!), but Tiger’s back in front of The Big Circus, […]

  2. Buck Teeth Treatment : Says:

    when choosing golf clubs, i always prefer to use an iron”~*

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