Mets make surprise signing, 32 year old “whiz-kid”

After today’s excellent announcement, the New York Metropolitan ball club issued a press release detailing a second, surprising signing.  From The AP, here’s the full article:

DATELINE:  JANUARY 4, 2010, FLUSHING, QUEENS, NY, BAILOUT BALLPARK:

The New York Metropolitan ball club announced a shocking signing today: 32 year old screenwriter, actor and longtime fan Wally Marzano-Lesnevich.

New Amazin's starter with vice president of day-to-day operations Michael Sorvino.

The club awarded the neophyte ballplayer a three year, 28 million dollar contract with a fourth year club option that could top the deal at 35 million dollars.  In addition to his listed duties, the 6″1 southpaw will be expected to assume the fifth starter’s position and occasionally pitch long-relief.  “Obviously I’m beyond thrilled,” Marzano-Lesnevich said Monday, January 4th, when reached in the swamps of Jersey.  “To join a ball club you’ve been a fan of since you were a kid, to play on the same team as genuine heros like Luis Castillo and Carlos Delgado, wow.”  Mets GM Omar Minaya, when asked whether he was concerned that Marzano-Lesnevich hadn’t played baseball since Little League and in fact hadn’t even pitched then but rather not-started right field, said this:  “Of course I’m not concerned.  I mean, three years ago the guy hadn’t even completed a screenplay, and now look at him– he can get into a scene late, leave early, and still land a fart joke.  I have total confidence in [Mets pitching coach] Dan Warthen.  He’s like Rick Peterson without the jacket.  I mean, we’re the club that fixed Victor Zambrano, right?”  Marzano-Lesnevich himself weighed in on the controversial signing:  “Listen, I’m a realist…  I pushed myself to go into pitching.  I’m leaving a profession where established scribes like Paul Reiser can’t set up his pilot, and Ken Levine has to write a goddamn blog.  I’d be a fool not to go into pitching, in this market:  When Ted Lily gets 10 million a year and Barry Zito 18, I’m worth the gamble.  And I knew I had to go with a club that awarded Ollie Perez 36 million for three years.  That they happened to be my favorite club, well, that’s just gravy.  I mean, as Peter Gammons will tell you, I didn’t ever want to play in Beirut.”  Marzano-Lesnevich is expected to pitch from the rubber for the first time later this afternoon, and Mets COO Jeff Wilpon had this to say:  “After Sterling-Equities forked over the money, I’m just excited to see the guy throw the damn ball.  Even at 32 and never having pitched, we expect him to be a whiz-kid.”

With sincere affection for the late, great George Plimpton and the immortal Sidd Finch.

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2 Responses to “Mets make surprise signing, 32 year old “whiz-kid””

  1. Alexander Zarwi Says:

    Congratulations Wally. Being blessed a Southpaw is a clear path to a pitching contract, particularly with the Mets. I predict Sterling Equities will earn back every penny they lost to Madoff. If this job doesn’t work out though, the Tenafly Mets sponsored by TPR would love to have you back for the 2011 Little League season.

  2. Wally's Blog Says:

    […] By thiswaytotheegress Sometime This Way to the Egress shares surprising news. […]

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