Ladies and gentlemen, the past is now.

Stunning.  A bombshell.  The game and Selig may never recover.  Today, in who-saw-that-coming?-news, noted slugger*, former ballplayer and never-HOF-er Mark McGwire, previously thought allergic to the past, released this statement: “I used steroids during my playing career and I apologize.”

Steroids? How about some viagra?

Whoa.  We here at This Way To The Egress are astounded.  Here are some other news statements released yesterday:

John Wilkes Booth:  “I never liked that Lincoln guy, and I never liked the theater.”

Lee Harvey Oswald:  “I acted alone, but didn’t want to run the fun and forgot to tell anyone.”

Richard Nixon:  “Seriously, those 18-and-a-half-minutes are me masturbating.”

Nancy Reagan:  “He thought it was all one, eight-year movie shoot.”

O.J. Simpson:  “I used the ol’-thumb-behind-the-finger trick!  That glove totally fit!”

Bill Clinton, on Monica:  “She was the best I could do.”  /  Monica Lewinsky, on Bill Clinton:  “He was the best I could do.”

Sammy Sosa:  “Baseball has been very, very bad to me.”

Tonya Harding:  “Nancy Kerrigan is prettier than I am, I had no choice.”

Jose Canseco:  “I am a f—ing genius.  Seriously, put me in the Hall!”

Al Gore:  “I didn’t actually invent the Internet.  Oh, and I’m so boring Tipper sleeps during sex.”

George W.:  “I rigged Florida.  So long, suckers!”

On behalf of the great John and Dan, I'd like to sue.

Sarah Palin:  “Me no understand English.”

Michael Jackson:  “I did not touch that child.  The others, I totally touched.”

A drowning polar bear:  “Global warming is not a myth!  Please do–  [gurgle, gurgle, thud.]”

Everyone who’s ever been a reality TV show contestant:  “I am a douche.”

Here’s the Sports Guy’s excellent column on this whole sorry error era: column.

* please make this permanent, people!

I actually own this baseball card. Want to buy it for 5 cents?


4 Responses to “Ladies and gentlemen, the past is now.”

  1. Tommy Says:

    Not that I was ever a fan of the game, or any game for that matter, but it must suck for the fans who believed in these douchebags. And by the way, what punishment will he suffer? Hmmmm, a career comeback, huge paycheck and possibly, oral sex from an up and coming Hollywood Starlet.

  2. Alexander Zarwi Says:

    I’d like to retract my previous McGwire comment!

  3. Moo Jameson Says:

    Wow, millions of fans were entertained, the owners made money, Big Mac made money, the networks got paid and what was the negative of all of this again? Oh that’s right, the purity of a game was ruined. I’m still aghast. Someone go find Mike Bacsik, I bet he’s still on roids.

  4. Jason Pront Says:

    Ah, the Mark McGwire USA Team card – the gem of the 1985 Topps set. (I’m still mad at my cousin for ripping me off in a trade involving that card for some lousy stickers. Bastard.)

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