The State of the Union

He shall, from time to time...

Tonight is President Obama’s first State of the Union address.  The State of the Union address dates back to the 1800’s, when, after the Civil War, General Patton suggested to President Andrew Shepherd that he undress address the Congress.  (I may have gotten some of that prior sentence wrong.)  Now, President Obama’s expected to announce a joint, bipartisan commission to reduce the deficit (which may, frankly, look a little like this).  While the President’s been getting smacked around a lot lately, I wish he’d deliver something like this, and while it may not rise to the level of the brilliant West Wing episode ‘100,000 Airplanes‘ (in which Sam Seaborn and the gang want to state the goal of curing cancer), the guy still delivers a pretty good speech.  So perhaps he’ll say something like this:

My fellow Americans, the state of our union is strong.  As strong as it was when I strode to that podium in Grant Park, Chicago?  Well, maybe not.  But certainly stronger than when President George W. “Oops-I-broke-the-world” Bush delivered his last address.  Stronger than rubber-gluing together popsicle sticks to form a house, since most of us can’t afford houses anymore?  Yes.  Stronger than Tiger’s marriage?  Absolutely.  Stronger than a NBC contract?  Definitely.  As strong as the chances of ‘Snookie’ and ‘The Situation’ returning to Jersey Shore?  I don’t really know–  Michelle?

Anyway, our union is strong.  Not as strong as Mark McGwire in 1998, but stronger than Mark McGwire now.  Stronger than me, standing in the pouring rain in Pennsylvania, prattling on about ‘hope’ and ‘change’–  yes.  But as strong as me delivering a well-deserved ass-whooping to Senator Harry Reid on a basketball court?  Hell no.  As strong as ‘Team Edward’?  Maybe.  As strong as ‘Team Jacob’?  Perhaps.  Stronger than ‘Brangelina’?  Certainly.  Stronger than Elizabeth Edwards?  Probably not.  Stronger than John Edwards?  Most certainly.

Yes indeed my friends, as we sail into this new decade, the state of our union is strong.  Stronger than Michael Jackson’s posthumous record sales?  No.  Stronger than the defense for his molestation trials?  Without a doubt.  Stronger than Taylor Swift beating Beyonce?  No, I don’t think so.  But stronger than Kayne, that jackass?  Indeed.  Our union is as strong as the chances that Will Ferrell will make another sports movie, but not quite as strong as the chances that Nia Vardalos will ever make a movie again.  As strong as the chances that when Lost wraps up, its fans will be pissed?  Absolutely.  But not quite as strong as the chances that newly-elected Senator Scott Brown’s first term will end with “…  a dead intern,” or one of his daughters suddenly being unavailable.

So, in conclusion, if there’s one word I would give to our union, it’s strong.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go…  I have a tablet on hold at the Apple store.

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One Response to “The State of the Union”

  1. The President’s Remarks « Wally's Blog Says:

    […] Sometimes we here at This Way to the Egress get leaked an advanced copy of President Obama’s speech.  (Thank you, Helen Thomas!  Nice to see you have free time these days, Helen.  Helen? Helen!?) […]

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