Dear Diary…

This Sunday is America’s holiest day, the Super Bowl.  There’ll be chili and chicken wings, The Who, and, oh yes, Drew Brees with a crown of thorns made from the rubble of a certain hurricane (too much?).  But really, there is the First Family of football:  Archie Manning, former quarterback of the New Orleans Saints; Olivia Manning, beloved grand dame; Eli Manning, quarterback of the Indianappolis Saints and officially Tiger Woods 2.0; Eli Manning, quarterback of the New York Giants and thrower of awesomest-catch ever; and Cooper Manning,…  What?  Who the hell is Cooper Manning, aside from the saddest eldest-child ever?

Well, we here at Welcome To The Egress have managed to rip a page from Cooper’s diary.  Read on:

The Mannings of politics.

Dear Diary:  Well, Sunday is Super Bowl, or as it’s known to you and me, Stupid Bowl.  Who the hell wants to ruin a perfectly good Sunday by watching a bunch of grown, sweaty men throw a pigskin around?  What’s the hell’s a pigskin, anyway?  Football is so stupid.  I think today I might relax by working in the garden a little, or taking a soothing bubble bath with candles…  maybe tonight I’ll go check out a movie.  Hmm, what’s playing?  “The Blind Side”?  No thanks, not even that smoking hot chick who keeps getting on buses rigged with bombs will distract from the football!  Oh, “A Serious Man”?  It’s about intellectual Jews, made by the Coen Brothers.  Sweet, no football there.

But no, I promised Ma and Pa I’d go to Miami to watch Peyton.  Peyton, Peyton, Peyton!  Okay, he’s like, the greatest ever, but does he even realize all of America is hoping he’ll loose, so Drew Brees can take away the pain that Michael “Heckuva job, Brownie” Brown caused New Orleans?!  I hope you trip and break your stupid ankle, Peyton!  Maybe you’ll sprain your wrist signing one of your seven-hundred-gazillion checks from companies.  Peyton, you suck!  Any idiot can play a football…  O.J. Simpson did it.  Why don’t you just go murder someone, Peyton?  We’ll see how Daddy likes you then.

And I’ll probably have to stand next to Eli, and listen to how great he played in the ’08 Stupid Bowl.  Okay, we get it, Eli…  David Tyree totally saved your ass, and you guys didn’t even let him stay in the Big Apple.  You beat the Patroits, and suddenly you think you’re Tom Brady?  Ha.  Don’t make me laugh, Eli.  He has Gisele Bundchen.  Who do are you married to, some nobody?  You’re probably having an affair with Snooki.

Just because.

Diary, I wish I was having an affair with Snooki.  I wish I didn’t have to pretend to care about football.  The only sport I really like is soccer, anyway.  Oh look at us, we’re brothers and we play in Super Bowls and screw cheerleaders and make millions of dollars! You totally stole the name ‘football’ from Europe, you ignoramuses!  I wish I wasn’t living on a houseboat in New Orleans, swilling Colt 45 every night to get to sleep.  I wish I didn’t have to go to stupid Miami.  I don’t wanna chill in the club with Will Smith, I just wanna stay home and watch PBS Sunday.  But since I can’t, I’ll be there.  Rooting for New Orleans!  Who dat?  Suck it, Peyton and Eli!

Enjoy the game, everybody.  From the good folks at someecards:


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