Domestic Total as of Feb. 15, 2010: $63,135,312

Now Showing

And the headline kind of says it all, doesn’t it?  Boxofficemojo estimates the production budget at 52 million, it’s broken the President’s Day weekend record (prior record-holder, anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  2007’s Ghost Rider, which cost more than double to produce), and it’s the talk of Tinseltown.  The flick, of course, is the very one I stated I wouldn’t review, the small Danish art house hit Terribly Happy Valentine’s Day, directed by Gary Marshall and written by several people, chief amongst them Katherine Fugate and the co-screenwriters of He’s Just Not That Into You.  And on some level all who toil anonymously in The Industry ought to be happy, as this L.A. Times piece notes that the holiday weekend grosses were in inverse proportion to production budgets.

But here’s the thing:  I saw the movie, and it’s not just bad, it’s woeful.  It’s not campy-funny bad, it’s offensive to real people with real hearts.  Let me put it this way:  Its chief purpose, forevermore, will be to make Love, Actually look like the Citizen Kane of romantic ensemble movies.

But who am I to pile on?  Truth be told, everything that needs be said about this flick has been said.  On his terrific blog ‘Living the Romantic Comedy,’ writer Billy Mernit tackles the issue of why the film’s success is so vexing for screenwriters.  Over at Cinematical, they’ve posted this handy guide to the characters you’ve come to know and love, America!  “Sweet Ashton Kutchner owns a floral shop?  Two, please.”

So rather than take this insipid flick to the woodshed, we here at This Way to the Egress have something better:  the leaked script for the trailer for the actually-in-the-works sequel, New Year’s Eve. Enjoy!

Coming Soon

ANNOUNCER.  In a land–

Tracking shot of L.A. mountains

ANNOUNCER.  In a place–

Tracking shot of Hollywood Boulevard

ANNOUNCER.  In a world–

Tracking shot of the entire freaking city of the L.A. from Griffith Observatory

ANNOUNCER.  Where every day is the biggest night of the year, what do you do on The.  Biggest.  Night.  Of.  The.  Year?

Close-up of JULIA ROBERTS:  “10!”,  close-up of ASHTON KUTCHNER: “9!”, close-up of JENNIFER GARNER: “8!”, close-up of SHIRLEY McCLAINE:  “7!”–

ANNOUNCER.  Well, you get the idea.

Montage of various characters arranging party hats, blowing up balloons, guzzling champagne.

ANNOUNCER.  From the director of The Other Sister (and, oh yeah, V.D.) and the writer of the acclaimed direct-to-video sequel The Prince & Me II: The Royal Wedding comes a night in the life of a year in the day in the hour of a midnight in the world of the time of the thing–  wait, I got lost.

Close-up of George Lopez

ANNOUNCER.  With B-list minorities!

Close-up of Jamie Foxx

ANNOUNCER.  And A-list minorities!

Close-up of Hector Elizondo

ANNOUNCER.  Minorities who are old!

Close-up of Kathy Bates

ANNOUNCER.  And just for the hell of it, Kathy Bates!  What have Reed and Julia been up to since they got struck by Cupid’s arrow?  Find out this…  NEW YEAR’S EVE.  Coming exactly at the stroke of midnight.  (Sweet God, that sounded dirty.)  When the ball drops, the party’s up.  (Hmm, that too.)

In development

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