I’m sorry (Yeah, right)

This past Friday former Vice-Presidential candidate professional golfer Mr. Tiger Woods made a public statement regarding the world’s most interesting car crash, and one or two people watched.  We shall now parse said statement.  (Please beware of foul language.)  For the edited video, please visit Gawker.tv.com.  (As theater, it’s worth it.)

Um, yeah, so, I had a lot of sex...

Good morning, and thank you for joining me.  I wish I was having a root canal.  Or a colonoscopy. Many of you in this room are my friends.  I know that because just like a good Buddhist, I have paid you to be my friends.  I am very rich, and you are not. Many of you in this room know me.  Many of you have cheered for me, have worked with me, always supported me.  I presume Phil Mickelson and Tom Watson are not here. Now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me.  But should you?  Hell no.  The teachings of the little fat dude teach you not to judge.  Maybe you should go back to your own lives, and figure out why you’re not having any sex. I want to say to each one of you simply and directly I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behaviour I engaged in.  Though I can’t possibly figure out how I hurt you, I’m happy to apologize to each and every one of you.  Except my dentist.  Dr. Brian Englebert, D.D.S. deserves everything he gets.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish.  When you become the greatest professional athlete in a sport, well, you let me know. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children.  Really, the only people I’m accepting further criticism from are Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan.  None of the rest of you know bupkus.  (My agent is Jewish.) And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.  The good people at Nike are begging me to speak.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. Even though Elin is smoking hot, she was not enough for me.  For that, I will never see her vagina again.  As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time. She now has total access to my checking and savings account.  We have a lot to discuss. Not really.  However, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us. And, of course, the almighty Internet.

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused those of you in this room.  Show of hands from the ladies here:  How many of you had sex with me? I have let you down.  Show of hands again:  Best.  Sex.  Ever., am I right? I have let down my fans.  I mean, female fans. For many of you, especially friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment.  To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally.  But do I come to your homes, to watch your apologize for your misgivings?  Um, no.

My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners, to every one involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors — and most importantly, the young students we’ve reached.  The last time someone got so castrated he ruined an intern’s blue dress. Our work is more important than ever.  Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young children achieve their dreams through education.  Thank Buddha my dad is dead right now. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow.  From the Learning Centre kids in Southern California to the Earlwood scholars in Washington D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.  For instance, I will now be teaching a new course designed to help inner-city, underprivileged kids score with smoking-hot blonde models.

Oh my God, even this dog wants to schtup me!

But still, I know that I have bitterly disappointed all of you.  I just can’t figure out how. I have made you question who I am and how I have done the things I did.  Even though none of you remotely know me. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.  But really, considering all the positions of late, this one isn’t that bad. For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin either hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night.  Fuck yes she did. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that.  Elin never hit me that night or any other night.  Except, of course, in bed.  It’s surprisingly awesome. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage.  Ever.  Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal.  Look, I get that people are upset with me for cheating on her, but c’mon:  it’s not like she has cancer. Elin deserves praise, not blame.  I seriously will never see her boobs again either.

The issue here was my repeated irresponsible behavior.  I was unfaithful.  I had affairs.  I cheated.  A talk-show host does it, and you all love him! What I did was not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.  I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in.  Buddhism is about doing what’s right in the moment.  Let me tell you, it all felt right.

I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply.  Because, um, hello, I’m Tiger fucking Woods?!  I never thought about who I was hurting; instead, I thought only about myself.  I ran straight through the boundaries that married people should live by.  This is utter B.S.  It’s not like I was off hiking the Appalachian trail. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to.  I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.  I felt I was entitled.  Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them.  You guys should try the money and fame thing sometime, it’s sweet.

I was wrong.  I was foolish.  I don’t get to play by different rules.  Unless we’re on the golf course. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me.  Unless we’re on the golf course. I brought this shame on myself.  I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife’s family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.  But c’mon, kids around the world still admire.  I’m a pimp!

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’ve done.  And to masturbate. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before.  Plus, I’ve taken up binge drinking. It’s now up to me to make amends, and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I’ve made.  It’s up to me to start living a life of integrity.  Starting with my divorce.

I once heard, and I believe it’s true, it’s not what you achieve in life that matters; it’s what you overcome.  Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example.  Character and decency are what really count.  Because we all know you loved me for what I did off the golf course right?

Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids.  I owe all those families a special apology.  I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.  And now I’d like to bring in my special rehabilitation coach, Mr. Mark McGwire.

It’s hard to admit that I need help, but I do.  For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in in-patient therapy, receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing.  The nurses there are way hot. I have a long way to go.  But I’ve taken my first steps in the right direction.  All the dudes here today know there’s no such thing as sex addiction, right?  Can I get a what-what, Mr. David Duchovny?

As I proceed, I understand people have questions.  I understand the press want to ask me for the details, the times I was unfaithful.  Seriously, folks:  It’s all online. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together.  I am one of those people. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, every one of these questions and answers is between Elin and me.  These are issues between a husband and a wife.  And, apparently, a puritanical, judgemental nation that’s afraid to change its health care.

Some people have made up things that never happened.  They said I used performance-enhancing drugs.  Never in the bedroom.  Never. This is completely and utterly false.  Some have written things about my family.  Despite the damage I have done, I still believe that it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight.  They did not do these things; I did.  When my son is older I plan to see if he wants to date Reille Hunter’s daughter; they’ll have a lot to talk about.

I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children.  And for my ladies. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements.  I hope to announce a new endorsement for a mobile phone carrier soon. When my children were born, we only released photographs so that the paparazzi could not chase them.  However, my behavior doesn’t make it right for the media to follow my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter to school and report the school’s location.  However, since they’ve done this, um, where is it? They staked out my wife and they pursued my mom.  Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone.  Kids are the future.  I know, I’ve fathered a ton of ’em.

I recognize I have brought this on myself.  And I know, above all, I am the one who needs to change.  I owe it to my family to become a better person.  Despite the fact I’m a pretty good provider, you know. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man.  Despite the fact society tells men that I’ve done pretty well, right? That’s where my focus will be.  I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it.  I’m thinking of taking up gardening, or starting a book club.

Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age.  Buddha slept around.  Fat was in. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist and I actively practised my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years.  Except, of course, when some of the ladies were Buddhists.  Then I drifted right back in.  Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes and unhappy and pointless search for security.  It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint.  Obviously I lost track of what I was taught. Look, Catholics and Jews:  Religion ain’t no picnic, am I right?  Muslims, I got nothin’.

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help, because I’ve learned that’s how people really do change.  Are there any college coeds who would like to volunteer to help me?

Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy.  In Hawaii! I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I’m making these remarks today.  I made your sport, you can all suck it.

In therapy, I’ve learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping it in balance with my professional life.  I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me — my marriage and my children.  I should be done by 2314. That also means relying on others for help   I’ve learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help.  Let’s be honest: I have no peers in my therapy group.  I have groupies, and middle-aged men who won’t stop high-fiveing me.

I do plan to return to golf one day; I just don’t know when that day will be.  I’ll probably still kick all your asses. I don’t rule out that it will be this year.  When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game.  And once I start winning, oh, you’ll come crawling back, right, Mr. Alex Rodriguez?

In recent weeks I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes.  Most, of course, want to sleep with me. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, I thank you.  Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me.  Elin hates each and every one of you.

I want to thank the PGA Tour, Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life.  Also, enjoy winning a few tainted trophies, guys!  I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course. Especially those in the LPGA.

Finally, there are many people in this room and there are many people at home who believed in me.  Apparently, I am a Disney fairy. Today, I want to ask for your help.  I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.  Clap your hands if you want me to live!  Ladies, lift up your shirts!  Flash the screen!  Yes!

Thank you.  You may all go fuck yourselves.

Go on, be a Tiger


One Response to “I’m sorry (Yeah, right)”

  1. The Story That Will Just. Never. Die. « Wally's Blog Says:

    […] By thiswaytotheegress We here at This Way to the Egress have touched on l’affaire de Tiger before (and before!), but Tiger’s back in front of The Big Circus, […]

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