An Open Letter to ABC and Cablevision

March 8, 2010

Dear American Broadcast Company and Cablevision:

Thanks, guys.  ‘Cause America doesn’t have enough on its plate.  We’re only fighting two seemingly endless wars, trying to convince the citizenry that a somewhat flawed health care bill is nonetheless a vast improvement, and, oh yeah, if you don’t have a job now, I’d suggest taking up deep-sea treasure-diving, because you’re never going to have one!, to say nothing of immigration reform and foreclosures and the Jersey Shore, and now this.

Yes, you both ended your millionaires’ quibble about an hour into the most important kudoscast since, well, whatever kudoscast Hollywood threw itself last week, but really, you a) didn’t let anyone know!, and b) it was giant middle finger to us, your poor-sap customers.  What you cost me, in the end, was not much (thank you, Tivo Gods), but the delightful antics of Messrs. Baldwin and Martin, which are here.

But since I know that both of you, the epitome of good, corporate America, care (and since this is my damn blog), let me explain why missing the beginning of the Oscars particularly irked me:

Fun is in short supply these days.  The nation’s mood is darn sour, and being an adult is, well, hard.  That’s why national moments of convergence, rare as they are, like the Super Bowl or the Olympics or, yes, the Oscars, are valuable.  Because if we spent all of our national time trying to figure out when the housing market will return or why we demoted Pluto, we’d go crazy.  America needs big, come-together moments now and then that don’t have anything to do with terrorism or politics or anything serious.  You think the nation would’ve stood for it if you guys preëmpted the Tonys the Super Bowl?  Also, Messrs. Martin and Baldwin are, last time I checked, a lot cooler and funnier than you guys are.

So, to The Walt Disney Co.:  We get it.  You have a lot of money, you want more.  And there’s no way to avoid you:  Not if you want ‘Baseball Tonight’ on ESPN or tykes who can park themselves in front of the Disney Channel or Regis Philbin, and who in their right mind doesn’t want to watch Regis?  So thanks, guys.  You suck, and I’ll think about that the next time I’m slapping on mouse ears.

To Cablevision:  The Knicks are 21 – 41.  The Oscars came on late.  You guys not only suck, you’re incompetent.

To Ms. Kathryn Bigelow:  You are the epitome of awesome.  Way to go with the history-making stuff.

To Messrs. Martin and Baldwin:  It’s hard.  You done well, gents.

Yours, who now knows he has no power, Wally

From now on, these three are in charge. Of everything.


2 Responses to “An Open Letter to ABC and Cablevision”

  1. patricia harrington schreiber Says:

    We in Florida were not deprived of the fun. Yet another reason to spend the winter in Naples. But you did a really good job on this blog. The greedy bastards of the world will burn in hell, of this I am sure!

  2. Now Playing: Fall « Wally's Blog Says:

    […] unnecessary on the public’s airwaves, so what is there to write that I haven’t written before?  So, I thought I’d make the positive choice and instead write about fall.  (That’s […]

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