Happy Earth Day!

And now, an interior monologue from Planet Earth:

Here I Come To Save The Day!

Don't be alarmed, we are building another planet.

RUBBING SOME OCEAN OUT OF HER EYES. Ah, good morning!  There we go…  a little ash from Eyjafjallajokull!  Forget coffee, that’s what every morning needs!  Now where was I…  what day is today?  Oh, right: SINGS. Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, I smell like a rare, endangered but still somehow surviving monkey, and I live in a chopped-down-for-logging tree!

Yes, my birthday, that arbitrary day in April when everyone suddenly wakes up, realizes I’m the only damn Earth you’re ever gonna get, and it’s R-E-S-P-E-C-T from there on in, right?  There’s no more black carbon pollution, no more burning precious fossil fuels to drive around in hulking contraptions of steel, no more throwing trash on the streets!  Instead, we all settle in for a marathon of way cool animated flicks and drink a potent concoction of organic, sustainably farmed woodsy mushroom juice.

I invented global warming. Oh, and the Internet.

Well, you’d think.  Instead we still have total nincompoops who deny a little something I like to call science, so after– let’s see– 40 years of My Big Day, we still can’t get it right.  I’ve got volcanoes on my ass, a pesky religion-and-politics vs. science bug in my ear, a polluted hemisphere the size of the Grand Canyon on my foot, and, oh yeah, more earthquakes than I’m actually enjoying.  Fan-tastic!  Happy Birthday!  I’m so freaking hot I think Mother Earth here has menopause.

So you’ll forgive me if I don’t stay up and celebrate.  I think I’ll take a cold, strong gin martini into my ice-cold bath and toss that movie about a mystical blue planet on the Blu-Ray.  Happy Birthday to me!  Maybe next year.

Earth Day: It's No Laughing Matter.


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