And featuring Mario Lopez as A-Rod

This past week bore witness to two cultural phenomenons in the world of sports and entertainment (yes, we hear you nodding your heads in agreement; those are the only worlds that matter:  On Saturday night 88-year-old Betty White hosted an epic Saturday Night Live, and on Sunday the Oakland Athletic’s Dallas Braden hurled baseball’s 19th perfect game, with his grandmother Peggy Lindsey in the stands (here’s Deadspin’s 27 outs musical retrospective).

America's It Girl as Peggy Lindsey

We here at This Way to the Egress see the cultural inevitability: ‘The Dallas Braden Story,’ starring Betty White.

INT.  LINDSEY HOME – MORNING

It’s Sunday, May 9th, Mother’s Day, and Dallas Braden (Matthew McConaughey, with kick-ass facial hair) is about to head off to work as the starting pitcher for your Oakland A’s when his grandmother Peggy Lindsey (Betty White) walks in.

PEGGY.  Boy, you gonna go throw 27 up, 27 down the way this old nanny taught you?

DALLAS.  You know it, Grandma.

PEGGY.  Don’t let those Rays intimidate you…  Evan Longoria’s nothing but a fancy-nancy.  Give ’em the high heat, the stinky cheese,  the chin music.

DALLAS.  I was born in Arizona.  I’m gonna go after those Rays batters like the police on Hispanics.

PEGGY.  That’s what I’m talking ’bout!  Make like every batter is A-Rod trying to step on your mound!

DALLAS.  Grandma, that’s not, uh, innuendo, is it?

PEGGY.  Damn it, son, it’s Mother’s Day!  Add to your handful!

DALLAS.  Uh, again…

PEGGY.  Of wins, of wins!  Go get ’em!

Matthew "JK Livin'" McConaughey as Dallas Braden

EXT.  OAKLAND COLISEUM – DAY

Braden steps off the mound having improbably thrown the game’s 19th perfect one, and embraces his grandmother Peggy.

DALLAS.  Grandma, I did it, I did it!  I did it for you, and Mom!  For Oakland and California, even if they have a lot of undocumented workers!  For Arizona and baseball and for some strange reason, Lorne Michaels and Facebook!  I did it for America and apple pie and terrorists not being able to bomb Times Square!  For Eyjafjallajökull and Elena Kagan and even Vice-Prisdent Joseph R. Biden, Jr.  Oh, Grandma!  What do you say?

PEGGY.  Stick it, A-Rod!

DALLAS.  Hmm, maybe I should market that…  do you have anything else to say, you crazy, feisty golden girl?

PEGGY.  Yeah.  Blarfengarr. *

* may only be humorous if you watched the entire SNL

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