in . flu . ence (noun)

Recently we here at This Way to the Egress caught up with Time magazine (you know, the one not for sale) and its annual list of the 100 Most Influential People.  (We know, we know, the list has been out a little while, but there’s so much to do:  there’s cut Betty White scenes from dress rehearsal, there’s Philadelphia Phillies fans being tasered on the field, there’s even a cat climbing into a vase!  I mean, seriously, how can any writer compete with that? Wait, where were we?)  After our shock and outrage at not being on the list (does no one at Time realize we have an influential blog?!), we thought we’d assess the list.

Real influence is being over three inches tall.

Leaders

Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, the president of Brazil – Really, is this guy influential?  I mean, congratulations, you run a country of people who love soccer football, but is the president of Brazil really who I’m going to call if I want a table at 8 pm at Per Se?  I don’t think so.

Barack Obama, maybe you’ve heard of him – Time, be honest: You wanted to name Michelle here.

Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the House – Sweet Jesus, Senator Harry Reid must’ve been crying in his coffee when he read this.

Sarah Palin, celebutante – See, here I have no quibble; no matter what you want to say about her, the woman’s got influence: She speaks, and a certain undereducated, moronic part of the population who also get their hair tips from Kate Gosselin listen.  But what kind of influence are we talking about here, Time?  Isn’t this a little bit like the time you named Adolph Hitler ‘Man of the Year’?  (I didn’t just compare Palin to Hitler…  it was an analogy, not a simile…  aw, crap, we’re gonna get letters.)

Jon Kyl, Senator from Arizona – Influence?  Influence?  Trying get a good burrito in your home state, Senator.  Then you’ll see what kind of influence you have.

Glenn Beck, founding father – Um, excuse me, Mr. Stephen Colbert has a whole nation.  What do you have?

Scott Brown, Senator from Massachusetts – Influence?  Influence?  Trying getting a table at The Summer House on Nantucket in your home state, Senator.  Then you’ll see what kind of influence you have.

Artists

Lady Gaga, alleged singer – I’d like influence.  I’d just like to do it without having to change my name from Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.

Robert Pattinson, vampire – Influence?  Influence?  Uh, good sir, according to BoxOfficeMojo.com your vampire-less flick Remember Me cost about 16 million and has grossed about 19 million.  Time, you mean Stephanie Meyer has influence.

Ashton Kutchner, husband to Demi Moore – Are you freaking kidding me?  The stupid guy from That 70’s Show is one of the most 100 influential people in the world?!  Excuse me while I go join Topher Grace in a vomiting session.

Taylor Swift, musician – Real influence means you don’t let Kayne West interrupt you.  Ever.

Neil Patrick Harris, “Dr. Doogie Howser” – Yeah, shit, the guy’s pretty talented.  I got nothing.  But he was out of place at the Oscars.

Lea Michele, actress from Fox’s Glee – The first person to make the list from my hometown is a musical theater actress.  Sounds about right.

Sandra Bullock, Oscar winner – Oh, so I guess something good did come out of the whole messy Nazi divorce thing?  (Plus, she got Betty White to pen her entry, so, you know, score.)

Conan O’Brian, founder of ‘I’m with CoCo’ – True influence means not letting the folks at TBS have George Lopez write your entry.

Ricky Gervais, British person – “I’ve never tried to be groundbreaking.  I’ve only ever tried to do one thing, and that’s please me and no one else in the world.  I don’t care if anyone else likes anything I’ve ever done.”  Well played, sir.

Thinkers

Are you kidding me, Time?  I’ve never heard of any of these freaking people.  Are you saying I don’t think?  I’ll fight you, Time, I will.  Don’t test me.

Heroes

All I’m going to write about this fourth and final section (which includes Bill Clinton, which is like, yes, I get, but did he pass health care?!) is that Time feels fit to declare Ben Stiller a hero.

Ben Stiller.  I like his work, I do; Greenberg and the fourth installment of Night at the Museum: Rodin vs. Gaugin Death Match 3-D notwithstanding, I do.  He’s funny, he’s a multi-hyphenate, he’s an Islander.

But Time, hero?  Guess what, Time?  You’ve lost your influence.

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One Response to “in . flu . ence (noun)”

  1. gg Says:

    very funny…made me laugh out loud and dislodge the twins during a double football hold!

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